Just because you can communicate online doesn’t mean you should

Are the people you work with your friends or your co-workers? If they’re both, how do you know when you have crossed the line and gotten too personal?

I recently made the mistake of responding to a colleague’s instant message about a matter that was sort of business-related, sort of personal. In the IM, Dan* brought up an old conflict between us: A couple of years ago, he arranged an interview for me with the president of a New York-based university. Thanks to Dan, I met with the president and his communications staff to pitch myself as a speechwriter. I thought the interview went pretty well and I expected a callback.

I was surprised when another speechwriting colleague of mine telephoned to say that the president, a college friend of hers, called and asked her for a speechwriter recommendation.

“Apparently, he was underwhelmed by you,” she said.

My mistake was to let her sway me, but I was full of hurt pride. I emailed the president and told him I decided to go in “a different career direction.”

When Dan found out what I did, he was angry. He said I should have spoken to him first. He was right. I apologized, but he said I had damaged his reputation. I apologized some more. Eventually, the subject rolled into the drawer of regrettable episodes. Dan and I got back on an even keel and remained friends. Or so I thought.

Last month Dan brought my fiasco up again. He IM’d me to say he had just run into the university president. “You had him all wrong,” Dan said. “He thanked me for sending him excellent speechwriting candidates.”

I’m guessing the prez really did tell his college pal what he thought of me. When he ran into Dan, he played the diplomat. No matter. The president’s encounter with Dan resurrected Dan’s resentment toward me. Dan reminded me how I had jeopardized his reputation, put him down, embarrassed him, etc.

I know better than to engage in an emotional conversation online. But I let myself get sucked into the tiny screen.

“I already apologized 40,000 times,” I IM’d. Dan launched into an uncharitable psychoanalysis of my personality, blaming my “negativity” for sandbagging my interview with the president. I should have stopped IM-ing right then and there. But my pal pushed my buttons and I blundered headlong into useless explanations and defenses.

There comes a breaking point in every misguided conversation where somebody has to have the wisdom to call it quits. Thanks to ego, vainglory, immaturity or who knows what, neither one of us had that wisdom.

Dan has IM’d me several times since our heated IM exchange. I have felt too kicked in the shins to respond. Moreover, I am reluctant now to remove the barrier between the personal and professional. Being too personal with a colleague did not stand me in good stead here.

I have come up with some communications best practices based on my out-of-line online conversation with Dan.

Online communications best practices

1. Don’t let a third party insert him- or herself into your business relationships. You don’t know what their motivation is. It’s probably not kosher.

2. When an IM discussion gets emotional, end it pronto. Suggest speaking by phone or get together in person.

3. Keep your analysis of a colleague’s character to yourself. You are not a psychoanalyst.

4. If a colleague makes a sincere apology, accept it and move on. Nothing good comes of holding a grudge.

5. In the workplace, your professional relationships are paramount. Exercise discretion when crossing the line into friendship.

Remember what we learned in grade school about an oncoming train? Stop, look and listen. Think twice before you fire off a hot-headed text. Just because you can communicate online doesn’t mean you should.

* Not his real name.

You can read this post on Brook’s Blog, a project of IBM Research.

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